Curse of Blanchard Hill – 2009 – United States
So this was pretty awful. I’ve watched a lot of amateur horror movies, and most of them are crap, but I still kind of like them. Maybe they are poorly put together and don’t make any sense, but at least they look like they were fun to make. Not Curse of Blanchard Hill though. The whole thing is boring and irritating to watch, and it’s gross too. There are a ton of spitting and vomiting scenes. Why?
Curse of Blanchard Hill occasionally takes itself seriously, but it’s mostly a comedy with a lot of jokes about dicks and drunk people. The plot involves a Native American curse that drove some guy crazy thirty years ago. Now he is a serial killer who wanders around a campground chopping up campers and people who litter. One character describes the killer like this: “Nature raped his soul, turned him into some sort of mindless fucking servant. Now he roams the forest, keeping it safe from the White Man.” It doesn’t make a lot of sense, and the idea of an avenging Native American curse is in bad taste.
The killer’s mystical, ecological motivation is irrelevant. He is just a dude who stalks around the woods and dismembers people with a machete. Lots of people die. Maybe even twenty. There is a lot of gore. The lousy effects are concealed by tons of blood splashing everywhere and getting on everyone. Sometimes it looks like cherry pie filling, and seeing people with pie filling oozing over their faces is kind of disgusting. In one scene, a topless woman gropes her bloody breasts for at least a minute as she dies.
The protagonists are two cops who do a bunch of drugs and get drunk all the time. They are supposed to be funny, but they aren’t. They live together and have American flags all over their house and a crucified stuffed toy hanging from their wall. One has a bunch of superhero tattoos and a fake mustache. In the movie’s only amusing scene, he casually peels this mustache off without comment.
In summary, Curse of Blanchard Hill is an uninspired and offensive slasher movie that isn’t much fun to watch. However, it features some nice nature photography and its mountainous wooded locations are occasionally scenic. I guess Blanchard Hill is a real place in Washington state. Looks like a good spot for a hike.
Rating: 2/10 Shrunken Heads. There is a scene where a seedy photographer urges two lesbians to have sex in the woods so he can film them. Of course they all get killed. This scene is acknowledged specially in the movie’s credits. It’s definitely the worst part of the whole movie.
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