The Uninvited

July 1, 2018 at 10:23 pm (7 Heads, Uninvited, The) (, , , )

The Uninvited – 1944 – United States

On vacation in an English fishing village, two middle-aged siblings discover an abandoned seaside mansion. They track down its owner and buy the mansion for £1,200, which is absurdly cheap even in the 1940s. The locals believe the house is haunted, but the two siblings ignore the rumors. After all, the mansion is their dream home, and it even has a fireplace in the bathroom. The siblings move in together, which seems like a weird thing for a middle-aged brother and sister to do. The spooky occurrences begin immediately. Crying is heard in the middle of the night. Misty apparitions appear. Pets freak out. There is a scary seance. The brother falls in love with a local woman who grew up in the mansion. While visiting the house, she becomes possessed and suicidal. To exorcise the mansion’s ghost, the brother and sister must investigate the house’s secret history of infidelity and murder.

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Phantasm II

July 1, 2018 at 10:06 pm (9 Heads, Phantasm II) (, , , , , , )

Phantasm II – 1988 – United States

Phantasm II
is the sequel to Phantasm (1979) and begins seconds after the first film ends. As Mike and Reggie are planning a road trip, their house is attacked by the Tall Man and his army of hooded dwarves. Reggie turns on a gas stove and obliterates the whole house in a spectacular explosion, but the Tall Man escapes. After the incident, Mike is put in an insane asylum.

Seven years later, Mike is released. He is haunted by psychic premonitions. When Reggie’s family is killed in another house explosion, Mike and Reggie take a road trip to find the Tall Man and destroy him. They rob a hardware store and arm themselves with a bunch of outrageous weaponry. Mike wears a welding mask and wields a pistol and a homemade flamethrower. Reggie builds a four-barreled shotgun and carries a chainsaw. In their bitchin’ muscle car, Mike and Reggie pursue the Tall Man through desolate highways and ghost towns. Along the way, they both meet girlfriends. The group reaches a destroyed Oregon town where the Tall Man manufactures his army of dwarves, killer robotic balls, and guys in gas masks. Mike and Reggie stage a commando raid on the Tall Man’s mausoleum and mayhem ensues. They blow up the Tall Man’s minions, inject the Tall Man himself with a tank full of hydrochloric acid, and light the mausoleum on fire. Of course, in the Phantasm series, nothing is that easy. As Mike and Reggie escape the burning mausoleum in a hearse, the Tall Man bursts through the car’s back window and snatches Mike. Mike says, “This is all a dream!” to which the Tall Man famously replies, “No. It’s not.”

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The Alien Factor

July 1, 2018 at 10:03 pm (4 Heads, Alien Factor) (, , , )

The Alien Factor – 1978 – United States

An alien spaceship carrying “zoological specimens” crashes outside a small town. The escaped monsters rampage through the snowy hills and kill people. One is a humanoid insect, another is a hairy giant, and the third is made of pure energy. The sheriff struggles to stop the invincible monsters. Meanwhile, the mayor hides the murders from the public. A friendly alien arrives in town disguised as a human. After destroying the monsters with futuristic gadgets, he is mistaken for a monster himself and shot to death.

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R.O.T.O.R.

May 13, 2018 at 7:48 pm (7 Heads, R.O.T.O.R.) (, , )

R.O.T.O.R. – 1987 – United States

Barrett Coldyron (pronounced “cold iron”) is a Texas rancher and robotics researcher. He is developing a robotic policeman code named R.O.T.O.R. (Robotic Officer Tactical Operation Research). Coldyron seems pretty cool. He has a cool mullet and wears sunglasses all the time, but he’s sort of a fascist. He says, “Either we control society, or it destroys itself.” He believes that only an invincible robot cop can protect people from their own anti-social behavior. Nonetheless, he is this movie’s hero.

A greedy politician forces Coldyron to deploy ROTOR before it’s ready. The robot goes berserk. It kills a guy over a traffic violation and stalks the guy’s wife across the country. Coldyron says, “ROTOR would walk through a bus full of nuns to get to a jaywalker. It’s like a chainsaw set on frappe.” Coldyron races to stop ROTOR. Unfortunately for him, ROTOR is super strong, performs motorcycle stunts, and can look backward through time. Coldyron shoots and wrestles ROTOR ineffectually for a while, but eventually discovers it can be paralyzed by a loud car horn. Coldyron lassos all of ROTOR’s limbs, ties the ropes to a car, and draws and quarters the robot. In the final scene, Coldyron is shot to death by his evil boss.

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Wishbone

May 7, 2018 at 12:16 am (3 Heads, Wishbone) (, )

Wishbone – 2000 – United States

Laurie is given an antique “wishbone” as a graduation present. What is a wishbone? It’s a magical statue made of orange plastic and covered with miniature skulls. If a person holds the wishbone and makes a wish, the wish comes true but a random person dies. After Laurie’s friends make a bunch of wishes, men in black hoods drive hearses into town and start stabbing people. Laurie defeats these demonic interlopers by wishing them out of existence. It’s that easy.

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Phantasm

April 5, 2018 at 2:20 am (9 Heads, Phantasm) (, , , , , , )

Phantasm – 1979 – United States

A dude named Tommy has sex with a woman in a graveyard. The woman transforms into an old man and stabs Tommy. Tommy’s friends, Jody and Reggie, attend Tommy’s funeral. Inexplicably, Tommy’s death is thought to be suicide. Mike, Jody’s thirteen year old brother, watches the funeral from the bushes. He is pursued by robed dwarves that look like Jawas, and sees the undertaker lift a five hundred pound casket. Trying to make sense of it all, Mike visits a blind fortune teller. She orders Mike to stick his hand in a box. When the box burns him, she says “Fear is the killer.” This scene is a reference to the “Gom Jabbar” from the novel Dune (1965).

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The Demons of Ludlow

April 5, 2018 at 2:08 am (4 Heads, Demons of Ludlow) (, , )

The Demons of Ludlow – 1983 – United States

Ludlow is a New England village with a population of 47. During the town’s bicentennial celebration, a mysterious white piano appears in the town hall. Rumors among the townies suggest the piano is part of a curse related to Ludlow’s colonial era history. Soon, ghosts in powdered wigs, two hundred year old clothes, and grotesque pasty makeup appear and begin murdering people. Ludlow’s mayor conceals the crimes to protect the town’s tourist reputation. Meanwhile, a young investigative reporter digs into the town’s sordid past.

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Puppet Master: The Legacy

March 14, 2018 at 12:48 am (2 Heads, Puppet Master: The Legacy) (, , , , , , )

Puppet Master: The Legacy – 2003 – United States

Puppet Master: The Legacy (a.k.a. Puppet Master 8) is an especially uninspired and lazy entry in the Puppet Master series. A hitman (presumably employed by some shadowy government agency) is seeking Andre Toulon’s secret formula for immortality. She follows clues to the Bodega Bay Inn, the site of several other Puppet Master movies. There she meets and violently interrogates a man named Peter—the new controller of Toulon’s killer puppets. Peter is the same Peter who appeared as young boy in Puppet Master 3: Toulon’s Revenge, but is now an old man. The hitman and Peter debate the morality of Toulon’s actions. Illustrating their pointless dialogue are extended clips from all the other Puppet Master movies (aside from the original Puppet Master, strangely enough). In the end, Peter and the puppets kill the hitman, then the puppets turn on Peter. Maybe. It’s not really clear.

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Vampire Hunter

March 14, 2018 at 12:43 am (7 Heads, Vampire Hunter) (, , , , )

Vampire Hunter – 1997 – United States

John O’Ryan is a martial artist and erotic pin-up artist. He has a yellow sports car, a motorcycle, a huge collection of ninja weaponry, and shelves full of super hero action figures. He and his wife are totally in love, and she is a babe. In other words, John is pretty much the dude that every dude wants to be—or at least every dude who would watch a movie like Vampire Hunter.

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Ewoks: The Battle for Endor

March 14, 2018 at 12:36 am (6 Heads, Ewoks: The Battle for Endor) (, , , , , , )

Ewoks: The Battle for Endor – 1985 – United States

Ewoks: The Battle for Endor is a spin off of Star Wars Episode 6: Return of the Jedi and a sequel to Caravan of Courage: An Ewok Adventure. Battle for Endor takes place immediately after its prequel. Cindel, the young heroine of Caravan of Courage, and her family are living with the bear-like ewoks on the forest moon of Endor. Cindel’s father is repairing the family spaceship so they can leave the planet and go home. Five minutes later, the ewok village is ravaged by reptilian barbarians with lasers. Cindel’s entire family is killed, and all the ewoks are abducted. Only Cindel and her ewok pal Wicket manage to escape.

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