Mask of Zeguy

Mask of Zeguy – 1993 – Japan

I’ve had an irrational desire to watch Mask of Zeguy for years. There is no good reason for this. I knew it would be crappy and not make any sense, and I was right. But sometimes, a person gets an idea in their head and can’t get it out. To me, Mask of Zeguy seemed like the quintessential dumb anime OVA, and I had to know how true that was.

In short, it was completely true. Mask of Zeguy is such a pastiche of other anime that it could almost pass as a parody. A high-school girl gets warped into a magical world. She is searching for her lost friend, and she might also be an immortal priestess of an ancient religion. Isn’t this also the plot of Fushigi Yugi (1995)?

War of the Gargantuas

War of the Gargantuas – 1966 – Japan

The history of this movie is probably more interesting than the movie itself. War of the Gargantuas is a sequel to Frankenstein vs. Baragon (1965), which was a collaboration between Toho (the Godzilla people) and an American company. The resulting movies have some oddly American flourishes. The monsters (called “gargantuas”) are hairy neanderthal-like giants, and unlike Godzilla, Mothra, and Gamera that just like to smash buildings, the gargantuas eat people! And then they spit out the shredded human clothes!

Slave Girls from Beyond Infinity

Slave Girls from Beyond Infinity – 1987 – United States

Slave Girls from Beyond Infinity is pretty easy to summarize. In the space-faring future, some sexy women steal a spaceship and crash land on a jungle planet. They are imprisoned by a rich hunter who resembles Christian Bale, wears vinyl pants, and wields a laser crossbow. Escaping the hunter’s mansion (which looks like a hunting lodge combined with the set of Legends of the Hidden Temple), the women flee into the jungle and must fight for their lives like in The Most Dangerous Game. There are some robots, some mutants, and an alien that looks suspiciously like the Predator with its mask off.

Rebirth of Mothra II

Rebirth of Mothra II – 1997 – Japan

Mothra is my favorite kaiju monster, so it hurts to write this. Rebirth of Mothra II is the second in the Rebirth of Mothra trilogy. I liked the first movie, but sadly, the second one isn’t so hot. I realize that Rebirth of Mothra II is a movie for children. Most kaiju movies are to some extent, so I forgive all of the stupid, juvenile parts. However, Rebirth of Mothra II is pretty boring, and even children shouldn’t stand for that.

In Rebirth of Mothra II, Mothra fights Daghra, a burly dragon-like creature who swims, flies, and shoots lasers from its mouth. Compared to Mothra, who resembles a cute stuffed animal, Daghra is clearly favored to win. To help Mothra, three children explore an ancient temple to find a magical treasure. They are aided by two miniature witches and a hairy critter named Ghogo. Ghogo looks like a Furby with human eyes, and its urine has the power to heal wounds. There are two urinating scenes, one of which involves Ghogo peeing directly onto the camera.

The House of Seven Corpses

The House of Seven Corpses – 1973 – United States

This movie has a totally compelling opening. In rapid succession, it depicts seven grisly murders. A woman drowns herself in the bathtub. A man is stabbed in the throat with an ice pick. After that intense sequence, The House of Seven Corpses doesn’t feature any more murders until the last fifteen minutes.

The story follows the cast and crew of a low-budget film that is shooting inside a cursed mansion. The fictional movie-within-a-movie is one of those period horror movies about witchcraft. While conducting fake black magic ceremonies, the actors accidentally awaken real spirits of the dead who come back as shambling corpses and kill everyone. However, most of House of Seven Corpses isn’t as exciting as all that. Much time is spent watching the stupid, rude, and generally unlikable characters bicker pointlessly. The director is verbally abusive. The lead actress can’t get over her old romance with the director. The lead actor is a drunk. It’s sort of irritating to listen to them all.

The Phantom Empire

The Phantom Empire – 1988 – United States

Every time I watch a movie directed by Fred Olen Rey, I always expect to like it more. I enjoy wacky, campy, everything-but-the-kitchen-sink genre movies, and Fred Olen Rey made a career out of them. The Phantom Empire is about Indiana Jones-like explorers facing mutant cannibals, dinosaurs, robots, Neanderthal babes, and alien babes in the Hollow Earth. Now, obviously, that sounds extremely promising.

Monster on the Campus

Monster on the Campus – 1958 – United States

I was just telling someone about this movie, and here is the summary I came up with: “A scientist cuts his hand on an irradiated coelacanth and turns into a homicidal Neanderthal.” That is a pretty good outline of what Monster on the Campus is all about. Basically, the blood from a mutant coelacanth (prehistoric fish) causes anyone who absorbs it to revert to an earlier evolutionary stage. A dog becomes a wolf. A dragonfly becomes a really big dragonfly (which looks pretty cool).

Cathy’s Curse

Cathy’s Curse – 1977 – Canada

I wanted to start this review by claiming that Cathy’s Curse is basically The Exorcist mixed with The Amityville Horror. However, The Amityville Horror movie wasn’t released until 1979, so Cathy’s Curse predates it. But I still wouldn’t call Cathy’s Curse particularly original. It’s about a family that moves into a haunted house. Cathy, the young daughter, gets possessed by the spirit of another young girl. Cathy torments her mentally ill mother, scares the housekeeper into committing suicide, smashes plates with her mind, and generally behaves badly.

Take It Out in Trade

Take It Out in Trade – 1970 – United States

If you’re reading this review, you’re almost certainly familiar with Ed Wood, and you’ve probably seen Plan 9 From Outer Space (1957). But Wood’s horror and sci-fi movies are actually only a small part of his directing and writing output. For 15 years of his 20 year career, Wood mostly directed porn. Until recently, finding these movies has been difficult. But now, some of them are getting released again, which I suppose is good.

Take It Out in Trade is a wacky, pornographic, detective movie written and directed by Ed Wood. The story follows a private eye named Mac MacGregor as he tracks down a rich couple’s missing daughter. Sort of. Actually, he blows his client’s money traveling the world and spying on naked women as they have sex, take showers, and draw all over themselves with lipstick. When Mac eventually finds his target, she is living happily as a prostitute in a brothel full of lesbians. To stop Mac, she and her girlfriends tie him up with a bullwhip and have a big orgy on top of him.

Time Stranger

Time Stranger – 1985 – Japan

Time Stranger is not entertaining at all, but it’s very interesting. Thankfully, after reading this review, you’ll know all its interesting parts, so you won’t have to watch it. You’re very welcome!

Time Stranger is an anime movie and a sequel to the 1981 anime series GoShogun (a.k.a. Macron 1). GoShogun is about a team of robot-piloting superheroes kind of like Voltron. But Time Stranger is awesome because it totally subverts the premise of GoShogun. When it was released, fans of the series must have been totally baffled. That doesn’t make Time Stranger good, but it is remarkable.