Tokyo Tribe

September 25, 2017 at 12:15 am (10 Heads, Tokyo Tribe) (, , , , , , )

Tokyo Tribe – 2014 – Japan

In the decaying ghettos of Tokyo, flamboyant gangbangers sell drugs, run brothels, kill each other, and rap. The police are powerless and corrupt, and anarchy reigns. The strongest gang is Wu-Ronz, lead by the sadistic Yakuza boss Big Buppa. He sexually abuses, kills, and eats high school girls, and might worship Satan. He carries around a giant glass dildo. One of his sons is a wormy effeminate man who uses slaves as furniture. His other son is a psychotic muscleman who wears a thong and is really insecure about his penis size. The protagonists are a gang called Saru. They are a friendly bunch of dudes who just want to spread the message of love, peace, and hip-hop. They chill at a diner called Penny’s (not Denny’s) and flirt with the waitress. When their homie is murdered by Wu-Ronz, they start a rumble which triggers a war between all of Tokyo’s gangs.

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Dragon Princess

July 31, 2017 at 12:36 am (5 Heads, Dragon Princess) (, , , , , )

Dragon Princess – 1976 – Japan

Kazuma (played by Sonny Chiba) is a karate instructor in Tokyo. Assassins, hired by a rival instructor, attack Kazuma in front of his young daughter, Yumi. He survives with a crippled arm and a missing eye, but flees Japan to protect Yumi. Living in a seedy Manhattan apartment (these probably don’t exist in real life), Kazuma is a drunk who only cares about getting revenge and training Yumi in karate. He berates her, beats her, and makes her stand in the snow with bare feet. When Yumi writes in her diary, “I hope I never hear the word ‘karate’ again!”, Kazuma is somehow surprised.

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Five Elements Ninjas

November 29, 2016 at 4:03 am (7 Heads, Five Element Ninja) (, , , , , )

Five Elements Ninjas – 1982 – Hong Kong

A Chinese martial arts school is destroyed by Japanese ninjas. The lone survivor of the massacre learns ninjutsu and abandons his honor to get revenge. That is the whole plot.

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Equilibrium

January 25, 2016 at 12:44 am (8 Heads, Equilibrium) (, , , , )

Equilibrium – 2002 – United States

After the apocalyptic World War 3, society is governed by the totalitarian Tetragrammaton. To control mankind’s destructive impulses and prevent war, people are subjected to mandatory injections of emotion suppressing drugs. Displays of emotion and personal expression are punishable by death.

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Crippled Avengers

January 18, 2016 at 1:57 am (9 Heads, Crippled Avengers) (, , , , , )

Crippled Avengers – 1978 – Hong Kong

Thugs invade a nobleman’s house and sever his son’s arms. Following the incident, the nobleman outfits his son with mechanical arms and trains him in martial arts. When the training is complete, the sadistic nobleman captures the thugs’ sons, and lets his son cripple each of them. All of this occurs in Crippled Avengers’ first five minutes.

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Enter the Ninja

September 9, 2015 at 1:19 am (6 Heads, Enter the Ninja) (, , , )

Enter the Ninja – 1981 – United States

After training as a ninja in Japan, a retired American mercenary named Cole visits a buddy in the Philippines. Cole discovers that evil corporate fat cats are harassing his buddy to sell his farm so they can drill for oil. With his ninja abilities, Cole beats up thuggish goons until the bad guys hire their own ninja to stop him. In the end, Cole kills the ninja, finds a good girlfriend and then leaves her, and winks into the camera as the credits roll.

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The Guyver

July 8, 2015 at 1:26 am (7 Heads, Guyver, The) (, , , , , , , , )

The Guyver – 1991 – United States

“At the beginning of time, aliens came to Earth to create the ultimate organic weapon. They created Mankind. By planting a special gene into Man, they created the ZOANOIDS—humans who can change at will into super monster soldiers.

“Eons later, the Zoanoid leader, called the ZOALORD, has awakened and formed the Chronos Corporation to further develop the Zoanoid technology for world domination.

“Among the alien remains was found the ‘Unit’—a bio-boosted alien armor. Worn by the aliens, it serves as an ordinary shield. If the wearer is human, it increases his natural powers a hundredfold—he becomes the ‘GUYVER’.”

So begins The Guyver’s opening narration. In the seedy alleys of Los Angeles, a teenager finds an alien gizmo in the trash. It is a suit of living armor that fuses with his body, transforming him into a badass martial artist. The Chronos Corporation, lead by a three-eyed man with psychic powers, wants the armor. They send thugs that morph into monsters to retrieve it. Martial arts battles ensue. Mark Hamill plays a heroic rogue FBI agent. The distinctive Michael Berryman plays a mutant thug (yet again).

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Scorpion Thunderbolt

February 1, 2015 at 8:00 pm (5 Heads, Scorpion Thunderbolt) (, , , , , , )

Scorpion Thunderbolt – 1988 – Hong Kong/Taiwan

A police detective tracks a serial killer, but the killer is actually his girlfriend. As the lovechild of the Prince of Snakes and a lowly snake milker, she occasionally transforms into a murderous snake demon. In a nearly unrelated plot, a martial artist battles assassins on a quest to slay a “vampire witch” called the Queen of Scorpions.

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Gymkata

December 23, 2013 at 3:47 am (7 Heads, Gymkata) (, , , , , , )

Gymkata – 1985 – United States/Japan

Olympic medalist Kurt Thomas plays Jonathan Cabot, a gymnast recruited by the U.S. Special Intelligence Agency for a mission to the country of “Parmistan” in the Hindu Kush mountain range. The U.S. wants to install a satellite monitoring system for the Strategic Defense Initiative’s “Star Wars” program. To earn Parmistan’s permission, Jonathan must win a competition known as “The Game” that is so deadly it has not been completed in 900 years. Participants run an obstacle course while battling ninja hordes, eventually reaching a town full of traps and insane cannibals. Somehow Jonathan does not seem worried. Perhaps because he is trained by Parmistan’s sexy princess and has mastered the fusion of gymnastics and karate known as Gymkata.

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Miami Connection

December 1, 2013 at 11:02 pm (9 Heads, Miami Connection) (, , , , , , , )

Miami Connection – 1987 – United States

Miami Connection was masterminded by writer/producer/director/actor/martial artist Y. K. Kim. Shown only in Florida, Miami Connection was a commercial failure, bankrupting its creator. It remained unheard of until its 2012 re-release by Drafthouse Films (the video distribution arm of the Alamo Drafthouse Cinema theater chain in Texas). With its charming mixture of insanity and sincerity, Miami Connection seems poised for cult status.

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