Golgo 13: The Professional

May 21, 2017 at 6:26 pm (8 Heads, Golgo 13: The Professional) (, , , , , )

Golgo 13: The Professional – 1983 – Japan

Golgo 13 is a legendary hitman with a perfect track record. Leonard Dawson is a Texas oil baron who targets Golgo 13 after he assassinates Dawson’s son. To do the job, Dawson hires the FBI, the CIA, the Pentagon, and some demented assassins named Snake, Gold, and Silver. He wants Golgo 13 dead even if he must “destroy a few cities in the process”. He instructs his assassins, “Rip out [Golgo 13’s] brains and throw them on the floor!” While thwarting these killers, Golgo 13 travels to Sicily, San Francisco, and the Amazon. At various points, he is hired by a priest to kill a Mafia don, and a concentration camp survivor to kill an ex-Nazi. In the end, it is revealed that Dawson’s dead son himself hired Golgo 13 as an act of suicide. Dawson despondently leaps from a window, splattering gorily on the ground.

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How to Make a Doll

May 21, 2017 at 6:18 pm (3 Heads, How to Make a Doll) (, , )

How to Make a Doll – 1968 – United States

Percy Corley is a scientist who is scared of women. He lives with his mother and drives an Isetta (like Steve Urkel from Family Matters). With another scientist named Hamilcar West, he programs a computer (with a punched card reader) to create beautiful subservient girlfriends. With a puff of smoke, nymphomaniac babes in underwear and high heels pop out of the computer and make out with the scientists. Getting tired of that, Hamilcar (somehow) transfers his mind into the computer and (somehow) teaches Percy to be a chick magnet. Percy balls women until he is sick of it and then settles down with a nice girl.

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The Ghost

May 21, 2017 at 6:07 pm (6 Heads, Ghost, The) (, , , )

The Ghost – 1963 – Italy

Scotland, 1910: In a Gothic mansion, a doctor (Dr. John Hichcock) researches a treatment for his own crippling injuries. His questionable cure involves injecting himself with a cocktail of lethal poisons. He is depressed and suicidal, and constantly seeks pity from his assistant (Dr. Charles Livingstone) and his wife (Margaret Hichcock). When Margaret stops him from committing suicide, he says “Let me do it. I’m just a living corpse.” Eventually, Margaret and Charles hook up. Margaret nags her lover to kill her pathetic husband, so Charles gives the old man an extra helping of poison.

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Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust

April 30, 2017 at 10:19 pm (9 Heads, Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust – 2000 – Japan/United States

In the post-apocalyptic future, humans are hunted by vampires, werewolves, and mutants. In a frontier village, a vampire count kidnaps the mayor’s daughter. To rescue her, the mayor hires D, a half-vampire bounty hunter. D pursues the count across the country, followed by some tank-driving cyborg mercenaries known as the Marcus Brothers. The count intends to flee Earth in a spaceship, but D apprehends him. To D’s surprise, the mayor’s daughter is the count’s willing bride. Considering his melancholic life as a half-vampire outcast, D cannot accept the lovers’ relationship. A bloody duel ensues.

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Burning Dead

April 30, 2017 at 10:15 pm (5 Heads, Burning Dead) (, , )

Burning Dead – 2004 – United States

Jim returns to his hometown fifteen years after its destruction in a catastrophic fire. Although his memories are hazy, since that day, Jim has been haunted by horrific dreams. He is so disturbed that he can’t hold a job, meet a girlfriend, or stay in one place. To confront his fears, Jim drifts about his hometown, visiting people and places he once knew. His memory of the traumatic night slowly returns, and he suffers hallucinations of walking incinerated corpses. It turns out, as a boy, Jim was apprenticed to a Satanic priest. When the priest ordered Jim to sacrifice his sweetheart, Jim refused and lit the priest on fire, leading (improbably) to the town’s fiery destruction. Now, to put the burning dead to rest, Jim confronts his dark past and reunites with his lost sweetheart.

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Horrors of Malformed Men

April 30, 2017 at 10:13 pm (9 Heads) (, , , , , )

Horrors of Malformed Men – 1969 – Japan

An amnesiac surgeon named Hirosuke is locked in a Tokyo insane asylum. After killing another inmate (a deranged monk) in self-defense, he escapes. Outside, Hirosuke encounters a circus magician with a mysterious connection to his forgotten past, but the magician gets murdered and Hirosuke is framed for it. Fleeing Tokyo, he reaches a seaside town where a wealthy local businessman named Genzaburo has just died. Hirosuke discovers that he is the dead man’s doppelganger, even down to the swastika scar on the bottom of his foot. Hirosuke impersonates Genzaburo, surprising everyone with his sudden resurrection. As he grows ensnared in Genzaburo’s life, he discovers that he is actually Genzaburo’s lost brother. He also learns of a mysterious island where his father lives in isolation. Hirosuke is forbidden by his family to go there, but goes anyway.

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Blood Cult

April 30, 2017 at 10:07 pm (4 Heads, Blood Cult) (, , , )

Blood Cult – 1985 – United States

Four sorority girls are eviscerated by a cleaver-wielding murderer. The investigating sheriff links the murders to a witchcraft cult, then discovers the killer cultist is his own daughter. Wearing a severed dog’s head as mask, she kills her boyfriend and then leaps off a building. Sorry if this plot summary is vague. The DVD I watched had no sound for the last 30 minutes so I had to make a few things up.

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Hawk the Slayer

April 17, 2017 at 1:48 am (6 Heads, Hawk the Slayer) (, , , )

Hawk the Slayer – 1980 – England

A noble swordsman named Hawk battles his deformed brother Voltan to save a kidnapped priestess. Hawk wields the “mindsword” which he controls telekentically. It has a glowing fist for a pommel. He teams up with a giant, an elf, a blind witch, a guy with a semi-automatic crossbow, and a conniving dwarf. Impressively, the dwarf fishes by slapping fish out of a lake with his whip. In the climactic showdown, Voltan is killed but is resurrected by an evil ghost. A sequel is suggested but hasn’t materialized.

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Before I Die

April 17, 2017 at 1:46 am (4 Heads, Before I Die) (, , , )

Before I Die – 2003 – United States

Before I Die
is a horror anthology movie about a horror writer (with an interesting regional accent) who is writing a short story collection. One story is about a nymphomaniac who transforms into a humanoid spider and devours her sex partners. Approaching her victims, she licks her lips salaciously and says, “I love men. Yummy!” Another story is about some newlyweds at a haunted resort. Mostly they have sex in various swimming pools, but a ghost eventually appears. The last story is about a woman being killed by an asylum escapee. The movie ends with the writer becoming so entranced with his own horror fantasies that he inadvertently murders his wife.

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The Beastmaster

March 21, 2017 at 2:06 am (9 Heads, Beastmaster) (, , , )

The Beastmaster – 1982 – United States

In a sorcerous ritual, a human baby named Dar is birthed from the womb of a cow. He grows into a young warrior with a telepathic connection to animals. After barbarian raiders destroy his village, he sets out for revenge. Along the way, he befriends a falcon, a black tiger, and two super-cute ferrets called Kodo and Podo. With his sword, collapsible boomerang, and animal menagerie, he frees a city enslaved by an evil priest and finds true love.

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