Nightmare in Wax
Nightmare in Wax – 1969 – United States
I’ve been to a lot of wax museums. Even the nicest ones have a shadowy, rundown atmosphere, and no matter how lovingly rendered the wax figures are, they always look a little freaky. This is why there are at least five horror movies set in wax museums, House of Wax (1953) being the most well known. Nightmare in Wax is less well known probably because it’s sort of crappy.
Nightmare in Wax has a surprising amount of plot, but none of it’s that interesting. A famous Hollywood actress and a makeup artist fall in love. This pisses off a jealous, slimy movie producer, and he lights the makeup artist on fire in revenge. Badly disfigured, the makeup artist becomes the reclusive curator of a wax museum. However, his exhibits aren’t really wax figures. They are living people that he keeps paralyzed with drugs. The deranged curator’s victims are all actors, directors, and other Hollywood people who have slighted him. Now he wants the producer that burned him added to his collection.
Pigs
Pigs – 1973 – United States
Pigs is notable for its numerous different titles and versions. At various points, new scenes with different actors were added to make Daddy’s Girl (a gross incest movie) and Love Exorcist (a ripoff of the The Exorcist) among others. Pigs is so adaptable because it contains several different plots and themes that don’t really relate to each other. It’s about killer pigs as well as an insane person. There’s also some sort of supernatural circus magic going on. If it weren’t so surreal, it would feel like The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974), Eaten Alive (1976), or one of those other movies about killer hillbillies. However, in some subtle way, Pigs isn’t quite like anything else.
Kite
Kite – 2014 – South Africa
Recently, I watched Speed Racer (2008) and Alita: Battle Angel (2018), and those got me thinking about other live action adaptations of anime. Now, here I am, and this is my review of the live action remake of Kite.
The original Kite (1998) is the story of a teenage girl who assassinates criminals to avenge her parents. I think. I can’t quite remember since I haven’t seen it in years, and it doesn’t have much plot anyway. The Kite remake is a little more developed. It’s set in a slightly futuristic version of Johannesburg in South Africa, following the collapse of the international banking system. Basically, Johannesburg is a dilapidated urban wasteland run by the “flesh cartels”, utterly vile gangsters that traffic teen sex slaves.
Welcome to Blood City
Welcome to Blood City – 1977 – Canada/England
Welcome to Blood City really surprised me. Check out this premise: Some people wake up outside of a Wild West town with no memory of who they are or how they got there. The town, called Blood City, has its own style of semi-feudal society where new arrivals are forced into slavery and can only earn their freedom by killing a citizen in a duel. Since slaves don’t even have shoes, and citizens are all heavily armed, this is fairly difficult. Anyone who wins twenty duels becomes an “immortal” and can write and enforce the law how they see fit. Okay, so all of that is pretty weird. Weirder still, Blood City is actually a virtual reality simulation. In the dystopian future, war is constant, so scientists created Blood City to find potential recruits for their army of super soldiers.
Dirty Pair
Dirty Pair – 1985-1990 – Japan
Dirty Pair is a long running novel, manga, and anime franchise with various TV and OVA series. This review covers the three Dirty Pair animated movies.
The “Dirty Pair” are two sexy female “trouble consultants” for a privatized, galactic police force called the 3WA (World Welfare Workers Association). They solve planetary-scale crimes involving governmental and corporate corruption, all while wearing dangling earrings, peek-a-boo halters, and hot pants. Their missions involve a little bit of investigation, and a lot of shooting, car chases, and blowing stuff up. They have a spaceship called the Lovely Angel, and an enormous, hyper-intelligent cat.
Kei and Yuri (the Dirty Pair) alternate between being tough, hardboiled professionals, and fun-loving goof-offs. These two best friends like partying, men, and exchanging sassy quips. They seem pretty fun. I’d go on a mission with them.
The Humanoid
The Humanoid – 1986 – Japan
I went to an anime convention and bought this DVD because it looked crappy. Amazingly, the guy running the booth had actually watched The Humanoid and had a good story about it. Allegedly, the makers of the movie ran out of money and were sponsored by a coffee company to finish it. As a result, the characters frequently namedrop the coffee brand. Although the brand’s name does not appear in the movie’s English version, the characters do drink a hell of a lot of coffee and talk extensively about its “full-bodied taste” and “rich aroma”.
Dead Leaves
Dead Leaves – 2004 – Japan
I’m not sure I get the point of Dead Leaves. Basically, two insane criminals with amnesia end up in a prison full of mutants on the Moon. One is named Retro and has a television for a head. The other is a pregnant woman named Pandy. The two lead a bloody prison break and shoot lots of people. There is also a horny dude with an enormous drill for a dick, and some cyborg wardens named 666 and 777. After escaping from the prison, Retro and Pandy kill a giant caterpillar, and it explodes into a bunch of psychedelic-looking fireworks.
Rabid Grannies
Rabid Grannies – 1988 – Belgium
A title like “Rabid Grannies” promises a lot: irony, bloodshed, and the perversion of family values at the very least. Unfortunately, Rabid Grannies only sort of delivers on those promises.
Two wealthy old ladies are having a birthday party, and all their greedy, dishonest, and totally unlikable children, nieces, and nephews show up to connive their way into the ladies’ fortunes. After the two women receive a demon-infested box as a birthday present, they transform into the rabid grannies of the movie’s title. They become lumpy-headed monsters with claws, and chase the party guests around a mansion, killing, torturing, and eating them.
Strangest Dreams: Invasion of the Space Preachers
Strangest Dreams: Invasion of the Space Preachers – 1990 – United States
Troma distributes a lot of movies with wacky titles (i.e. Surf Nazis Must Die and A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell). These movies are never quite as wacky as their titles suggests, but Strangest Dreams: Invasion of the Space Preachers makes a pretty good attempt.
A dorky accountant and a dorky dentist go on a nature retreat in rural West Virginia. Staying in a crappy, trash-filled cabin, they meet all kinds eccentric characters. There is Gator (a fast-talking, hillbilly con artist), Vic 20 (a survivalist gun nut who lives in a hippie commune), Johnny Angel (a cool rockabilly singer), Nova (an alien babe with big hair), and Reverend Lash (a diabolic alien disguised as a preacher). The reverend plots to take over the world using a mind-controlling radio program. He has two cronies with ridiculous pompadour haircuts, and he carries around a bullwhip. Only Nova, the two dorky protagonists, and a bunch of guns can possibly stop him.
Killer Yacht Party
Killer Yacht Party – 2006 – United States
My girlfriend bought me a bunch of Troma DVDs. Killer Yacht Party looked like the crappiest one, so I watched it first. I don’t know what compelled me.
There aren’t many surprises in Killer Yacht Party. Basically, an LA nightclub promoter throws a yacht party, and a bunch of drunk, horny, sleazy clubbers show up. The movie’s protagonist is Jane, a shy girl who gets dragged to the party by her promiscuous best friend. It turns out that the yacht might be haunted, and the ghost looks remarkably like Jane. The ghost was an heiress who was incinerated by a fire on the boat. Eventually, the partygoers start dying gorily at the hands of a killer. Then the boat catches fire, and everyone dies. Jane survives, and the movie’s last scene indicates she is mentally ill and probably committed all the murders… or was it the ghost… or was it both of them together!
