Robo Vampire

May 7, 2018 at 12:26 am (5 Heads, Robo Vampire) (, , , , , , , )

Robo Vampire – 1988 – Hong Kong/Thailand

An evil Buddhist priest and a gang of heroin dealers use Chinese hopping vampires to kill the police. The “police” wear camo fatigues, carry grenade launchers, and know martial arts. A policeman is killed and resurrected as a cyborg warrior. He looks like Robocop mixed with a samurai, but made out of pillows and duct tape. The movie has a lot of fight scenes.

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Dragon Half

May 7, 2018 at 12:20 am (5 Heads, Dragon Half) (, , , , )

Dragon Half – 1993 – Japan

Mink is a half-dragon, half-human teenager in a sword and sorcery fantasy world. She is obsessed with a celebrity dragon slayer named Dick Saucer (who “sings like an angel and fights like a devil”), and goes on a quest to see him. She is joined by a teenage elf and a little girl with a killer mouse. Along the way, she is harassed by an evil king and his half-slime, half-human teenage daughter.

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Retro Puppet Master

March 14, 2018 at 12:30 am (5 Heads, Retro Puppet Master) (, , , , , , )

Retro Puppet Master – 1999 – United States

Retro Puppet Master (a.k.a Puppet Master 7) is a prequel to the original Puppet Master. Like Puppet Master 3: Toulon’s Revenge, Retro Puppet Master details the young life of puppet maker Andre Toulon. In this movie, Toulon is a young man running a puppet theater in early 20th century Paris. One night, a wounded Egyptian sorcerer arrives at his door. Before the sorcerer dies, he teaches Toulon a magic spell to animate puppets using the souls of the dead. Soon after, evil Egyptian demons (in sunglasses and bowler hats) arrive to kill Toulon and destroy the spell forever. They zap Toulon’s friends with magic and kidnap his girlfriend. Toulon transfers the souls of his friends into puppets. Together they go kill the demons.

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Caravan of Courage: An Ewok Adventure

February 25, 2018 at 9:40 pm (5 Heads, Caravan of Courage: An Ewok Adventure) (, , , , , , )

Caravan of Courage: An Ewok Adventure – 1984 – United States

Caravan of Courage: An Ewok Adventure is a made-for-television spin-off of Star Wars Episode 6: Return of the Jedi. In the Star Wars continuity, Caravan of Courage takes place an indeterminate amount of time before Return of the Jedi.

Mace and Cindel are two kids stranded on the forest moon of Endor. Their family’s shuttle has crashed and they are separated from their parents. Cindel is a friendly little girl. Mace is her impulsive high-strung older brother. While searching for their parents, the kids encounter a tribe of ewoks, Endor’s cute bear-like natives. The ewok shaman performs a divination ceremony involving an over-sized dreidel and tells the kids that their parents have been abducted. The adults are imprisoned by the Giant Gorax in the ominously named Forbidden Land.

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Puppet Master 2

February 14, 2018 at 2:39 am (5 Heads) (, , , , , )

Puppet Master 2 – 1990 – United States

Four ghost hunters from the “U.S. Office of Paranormal Claims” team up with a celebrity psychic to investigate a haunted hotel. The hotel, located on the California coast, is none other than the Bodega Bay Inn, site of the horrific murders depicted in Puppet Master (1989). Evil puppet maker Andre Toulon is buried in the hotel’s private cemetery and his killer puppets live inside the hotel’s walls.

Toulon’s puppets dig up his grave and resurrect him with a gooey alchemical concoction. To conceal his rotting undead body, Toulon wraps himself in bandages until he resembles the Invisible Man. As the ghost hunters investigate the hotel, Toulon commands his puppets to commit murders and collect human body parts. These parts are for a magic ritual to make Toulon’s immortality permanent, or something. This part of the plot isn’t well explained. The ritual is completed and Toulon’s soul enters a life-sized wooden puppet carved to resemble Toulon himself. This puppet looks like a freaky manikin and is very creepy and uncanny. Toulon’s puppets are somehow offended by this, and they turn on their master and kill him.

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I Hate You

February 7, 2018 at 12:54 am (5 Heads, I Hate You) (, , )

I Hate You – 2004 – United States

Norman is a struggling New York comedian who makes jokes about killing people. In one bit, he says, “Every creature on this planet must kill something else to survive.” Following that, he lists the thousands of animals he has eaten in his lifetime. In another bit, he says, “More books have been written about Jack the Ripper than all of the U.S. presidents combined.” Norman starts to realize that he could be more famous as a serial killer than as a comedian. He begins killing random people, mostly by beating them with a cane. To justify his murders, he says, “Every society needs an enemy.” He continues his morbid comedy act, but no one thinks it’s funny, and Norman is fired from the nightclub where he performs. Later, he has a heart attack but survives. Then the movie abruptly ends without any real resolution.

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Metamorphosis

February 7, 2018 at 12:50 am (5 Heads, Metamorphosis) (, , , , )

Metamorphosis – United States – 1990

Dr. Peter Houseman is an arrogant and extremely handsome college professor. During his experiments to develop an immortality serum, his funding is cut by university bureaucrats. In desperation, Peter experiments on himself. His serum works, but with the unfortunate side effect that Peter begins devolving into a reptile. You see, our human DNA contains “racial memories” of our various evolutionary phases. In one of these phases, we were reptiles. The whole thing doesn’t make much sense. In any case, Peter goes crazy and eventually transforms into a homicidal miniature T. Rex.

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Double Agent 73

January 15, 2018 at 3:37 am (5 Heads, Double Agent 73) (, , , , , )

Double Agent 73 – 1974 – United States

Double Agent 73 is the second of two films directed by Doris Wishman and starring Israeli stripper Chesty Morgan. The first is Deadly Weapons (1974).

Jane (code name Agent 73) is a spy with a camera and a time bomb implanted in her abnormally huge breasts. Her mission is to assassinate a ring of heroin smugglers. She blows one up with a lipstick grenade. She kills another by flinging her earring into his jugular. She asphyxiates a dude by stuffing ice cubes into his mouth. In the craziest bit, she coats her breasts with poison. As she has sex with her target, he sucks on her breasts and dies. After each assassination, she squeezes her breast to photograph the corpse with her hidden camera. Eventually, it is revealed that Jane’s boyfriend is the leader of the heroin ring. Jane shoots him.

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Deadly Weapons

January 15, 2018 at 3:30 am (5 Heads, Deadly Weapons) (, , , , , , , )

Deadly Weapons – 1974 – United States

Deadly Weapons stars a stripper from Israel named Chesty Morgan. You can probably guess that she has large breasts. However, you probably wouldn’t guess how absurdly huge these breasts actually are. Apparently they are all natural and “the largest on record for a film star”. Their shocking size cannot be overstated.

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Death Rage

December 11, 2017 at 12:38 am (5 Heads, Death Rage) (, , , , , )

Death Rage – Italy – 1976

Peter Marciani is a New York hitman who comes out of retirement for one last job. On a mission to assassinate the mobster who killed his brother, Peter travels to to Naples, Italy. There he joins forces with a small time crook and shacks up with a stripper. In pursuit of his target, Peter kills various mobsters and has hallucinatory visions of his brother’s death. To stop the visions, he visits an optometrist and insists on a prescription for eye drops. The doctor gives Peter the drops, even though the hallucinations are obviously psychotic in nature. Eventually, Peter gets revenge by sniping his brother’s killer, but is killed in the resulting shootout.

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