Evolution – 2001 – United States
Evolution is a weird relic. It was directed by Ivan Reitman, the guy who directed Ghostbusters (1984) as well as a million other comedies from that era. Evolution feels a bit like a sci-fi version of Ghostbusters, and it stars David Duchovny of X-Files fame. Despite all that, no one ever talks about this movie, and now that I’ve watched it, I can understand that.
Continue readingThe Mysterians – 1957 – Japan
Question Mark and the Mysterians, the American garage rock band who performed 96 Tears, is named after this movie! I guess that’s pretty cool, right?
Anyway, The Mysterians is an attempt by Toho (the Godzilla studio) to make a sci-fi movie that isn’t about kaiju. It still has one kaiju though. It’s a robotic dinosaur that burrows through the ground with a drill for a head and a buzzsaw on its back. In The Mysterians, aliens from an asteroid called Mysteroid invade Earth. They come from a world ravaged by atomic war, and all they want is two miles of land to live on and five cute human women to breed with. Obviously, women are not property to be traded, so mankind goes to war.
Continue readingThe Phantom Empire – 1988 – United States
Every time I watch a movie directed by Fred Olen Rey, I always expect to like it more. I enjoy wacky, campy, everything-but-the-kitchen-sink genre movies, and Fred Olen Rey made a career out of them. The Phantom Empire is about Indiana Jones-like explorers facing mutant cannibals, dinosaurs, robots, Neanderthal babes, and alien babes in the Hollow Earth. Now, obviously, that sounds extremely promising.
Continue readingArrival – 2016 – United States
I knew I was going to like this movie. I love aliens, especially really inhuman aliens, and the aliens in Arrival are pretty dang inhuman. They look like giant hands (which actually isn’t that weird), and they fly around in spaceships that resemble stone contact lenses. Their language involves squirting ink blotch-like pictographs in the air, and (spoiler incoming) they don’t perceive time linearly.
On its surface, Arrival is a bit like The Day the Earth Stood Still (1951) mixed with Independence Day (1996). Aliens ships hover over the countries of Earth. The story follows a linguist contracted by the U.S. military to find a way to communicate with the aliens. In a series of audiences with them, she struggles to understand their written language. Meanwhile, the various nations of the world posture and squabble with each other and are mired in bureaucracy and internal conflict. Thankfully, (another spoiler incoming) the aliens are here to teach us all about world peace.
Continue readingThe Brain Eaters – 1958 – United States
The Brain Eaters doesn’t deserve a title that provocative. A small town is invaded by aliens that are tiny balls of fur with pipe cleaner antennae. They attach to people’s necks and take over their minds. The movie is derivative of It Came From Outer Space (1953) and Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1956). However, both of those movies have a strong message. In the case of The Brain Eaters, the decision to tell a story about aliens possessing humans was probably financial. It is cheaper to make a movie without a bunch of alien costumes.
Continue readingAliens vs. Predator – 2004 – United States
Alien vs. Predator imagines what would happen if the Xenomorphs from Alien (1979) and the Predators from Predator (1987) ever got in a fight. Before this movie, Alien vs. Predator was a comic, a video game, and a fantasy for nearly everyone who ever saw both Alien and Predator. But the Alien vs. Predator movie (AVP from here on) is the first movie to officially tackle the concept. It is probably exactly what you are expecting.
In modern times, humans explorers find a ziggurat beneath the Antarctic ice. The ziggurat contains ancient Aztec, Egyptian, and Cambodian art and writing as well as hieroglyphics featuring Xenomorphs and Predators. But actually, the ziggurat is a battle arena built by the Predators for their Xenomorph-slaying rites of passage. Its labyrinthine tunnels change their layout every ten minutes and are full of traps and Xenomorphs. As the human explorers probe the ziggurat’s depths, they are sealed in and trapped in a deathmatch between the Predators and their Xenomorph prey.
Continue readingGatchaman: The Movie – 1978 – Japan
Gatchaman is one of those Japanese superhero team shows like Voltron (but with less mecha) or Power Rangers (but animated and with less mighty morphing). Its full title is Science Ninja Team Gatchaman, which sounds pretty amazing. Gatchaman follows the Science Ninja Team, five high-tech superheros in costumes that resemble spacesuits mixed with birds. They have cool gadgets and weapons like boomerangs and bladed yo-yos as well as a fighter jet that can transform into a ball of fire. Basically, they are everything a child could want. In fact, one of them actually is a child.
Gatchaman: The Movie edits part of the 1970s anime TV series into a theatrical-length animated movie. In the near future, a mysterious alien terrorist named Leader X lands on Earth and builds a secret base in the Himalayas. He creates mutant generals to lead his army of clones and mecha. One of the villains looks like an androgynous version of Batman, and the clone troopers all have long, shaggy hair. The movie follows the Science Ninja Team as they track down Leader X and thwart his plans to destroy the Earth.
Continue readingSci-Fighters – 1996 – United States
With a dumb title like Sci-Fighters, I expected this movie to be a lot crappier.
In the future year 2009, things are pretty awful. The Earth is enshrouded in dust. There is no more sunlight, and it snows all the time. Because of this, the visuals in Sci-Fighters are dark and tinted brown. They look cheap and grungy, but that is probably the point. The movie is set in Boston, and its bustling, industrial cityscapes look like a low-rent version of the city in Blade Runner (1982).
A murderous ex-cop named Dunn escapes from a lunar prison and flees to Earth. He is infected with an alien virus. His eyes turn red. His hair falls out. He vomits a lot and breathes methane gas, which explains why he blows up in a big fireball when he gets shot. The infection also makes jellyfish-like aliens explode from people’s chests like that scene in Alien (1979). Dunn rampages around Boston, raping women, spreading the virus, and stabbing people with a switchblade knife inside a dildo.
Continue readingFemalien: Cosmic Crush – United States – 2021
What can I say about Femalien: Cosmic Crush? It’s a sequel to Femalien (2017), but I didn’t know that before I watched it. I doubt the two movies are closely connected anyway. Cosmic Crush is about ancient aliens made of pure energy that can change into sexy babes. They are called the Alterians, and they explore the galaxy to “collect erotic intel and experiences”. Some Alterians wind up on a remote planet where they must stop a tentacled Thanagarian “sex eater” and its “pleasure pods” from turning a group of human explorers into sex zombies.
Continue readingAbraxas: Guardian of the Universe – 1990 – Canada
In this movie, Jesse Ventura (former wrestler and Governor of Minnesota) plays a “finder” named Abraxas. Basically, he is a galactic cop. He has been doing it for 10,000 years and is supposed to be pretty good at it. He goes to Earth on a mission to capture Secundus (his rogue ex-partner) and find the “Culmator”. What’s the Culmator? Good question. Apparently, he is a psychic child who can “calculate the anti-life equation”, which I guess is probably pretty bad. While teleporting to Earth, Abraxas suffers a warp malfunction and loses all his cool sci-fi weapons. When he finally tracks Secundus to a small, snowy town, the two wrestle a lot before Abraxas disintegrates him using a futuristic wristwatch.
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