Laser Mission

October 5, 2014 at 11:53 pm (3 Heads, Laser Mission) (, , , , )

Laser Mission – 1989 – United States/Germany/South Africa

In Laser Mission’s opening, guns blast in slow motion to a hard rock song called “Mercenary Man”. “Mercenary Man” plays seven other times throughout the film. During the Cold War, a dumb mercenary infiltrates a fictional communist country to rescue a kidnapped scientist. He teams up with an equally dumb woman and the two participate in shootouts, car chases, and a romance.

Brandon Lee is terrible as the cartoonishly flippant mercenary. It is uncertain if this is the fault of Lee or Laser Mission’s dopey script. Lame attempts at comedy are constant. The characters are bumbling, and their wacky dialogue is just embarrassing.

If nothing else, there are lots of explosions. While the rest of Laser Mission looks incredibly cheap, its action sequences are spectacular. The highlight is an urban car chase where six cars are destroyed and dozens of people are shot and run over. Laser Mission’s body count is impressive, but the excessive violence only makes the film seem more senseless and moronic. The villain, Colonel Kalashnikov, is even named after a gun. What else is there to say?

Rating: 3/10 Shrunken Heads. It seems really unnecessary for Colonel Kalashnikov to have a trophy room full of taxidermied human heads.

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