The Beach Girls

March 12, 2011 at 1:48 am (7 Heads, Beach Girls) (, , , )

The Beach Girls – 1982 – United States

Recipe for The Beach Girls: Stir together equal parts AIP’s Beach Party, juvenile delinquent flick, and porno. Sprinkle jokes and racial stereotypes. Blend until tasteless. Starring a cast of no name dames and one Playmate, Beach Girls is brain-dead fluff, but not boring. Compared to modern teen mush, it’s quite extreme, and a great example for the world’s youth on how to be cool and stay loose.

Beach Girls greets you with a five-minute bikini babe (plus a big girl and nun) T&A montage full of sloshing breasts, Frisbee, and horseback riding. Be sure to check the bodybuilder chick flexing her weapons. Next, we meet an adorable prude and her two skanky friends. Just graduated high school, they opt to go apeshit at the prude’s uncle’s swanky ocean manor. They recruit studs by ordering pizzas and television repair from the phone book and throw an orgy. (Pizza boys take note: This can happen at anytime. Be prepared.) All is good until the prude’s uncle shows. He is surprisingly cool about a hundred teenagers balling all over his digs, but he tries to disband the party anyway. Thankfully the prude’s skanky friends come to the rescue. They get Uncle stoned with persuasive lines like, “I thought you were cooler than that.” and “These aren’t cigarettes. They don’t kill you, they let you live!” Then they screw him.

Meanwhile, smugglers chuck a hundred kilos of weed overboard during a Coast Guard raid and it washes up on the beach. Guess what happens. In another subplot, the prude becomes a tramp. Her boyfriend criticizes “You’re programming yourself just like a computer,” so she smokes weed and drinks vodka straight. By the end, we see her breasts and she balls on the beach as fireworks explode overhead.

This sounds like an after school special (I’m kidding), but it’s a comedy. The jokes are haphazard: a man spraying a hose looks like he’s pissing and a dog steals a bikini top (twice). The writer’s intent is ambiguous—are the jokes hilarious or hilariously bad? But some magical moments transcend all that. In one, dudes dressed in foam food mascot suits shout “food fight” and attack each other. In another, a nerd dumps weed into his car engine and smokes the tailpipe. And most ludicrously, Wang the kung-fu limo (“rimo”) driver calls the Mexican gardener a “wetback”. A stunt-filled fight ensues, climaxing with everyone mud wrestling.

Beach Girls has non-comedic weirdness too. There’s a crazy sweet 6-ball juggler, a divorce subplot, and a Coast Guard cutter of gay sailors—all set to music alternately like a children’s show and the Home Shopping Network. Somehow, Beach Girls takes it all in stride and isn’t as screwball as you’re imagining. The focus is on friendship, party drugs, and endless T&A. It’s easy to dig this trashy flick, but hard to admit it. Put the tape with your little glass pipe and porno mag in the box that you hide from your mom on the top shelf of your closet.

Rating: 7/10 Shrunken Heads. With the right chemicals, I could rate this higher.

5/25/16 Update:

I watched The Beach Girls just before Memorial Day weekend. Coincidentally, Beach Girls takes place during Memorial Day weekend. The film is full of summer fun including horseback riding, roller skating, Frisbee tossing, convertible driving, and marshmallow roasting.

If only I could live like the privileged brats in Beach Girls. Without adult supervision, they drink, toke, and ball in an exquisite coastal mansion. They are all young and beautiful.

Rating: 8/10 Shrunken Heads. In one scene there is a juggling hippie. If I were in Beach Girls, I would be that guy. He is older than everyone else and he wears a Space Invaders shirt.


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